How To...

... use instructions

by Guy Browning

If you really wanted to hide the meaning of life, the best place would be in an instruction manual, tucked away under "Read this before you start". This would guarantee it would remain undiscovered for centuries.

The law is a set of instructions for living in our society. Lawyers are living proof that these instructions are seldom clear and rarely followed. The government continually issues instructions for everything on the basis that we are too stupid to work things out for ourselves. As we voted for them in the first place, they may be on to something.

People leave instructions in their wills. For many, this is the only time anybody will take any notice of their instructions on anything, and by then it's too late. Of course, you have to leave a certain sum of money for your instructions to be taken seriously.

Giving instructions is one of the most futile of all human endeavours. Telling someone, "Here's what you have to do" releases a chemical in their brain that automatically shuts down their capacity to hear, understand or remember anything you say afterwards. When you ask if they've understood your instructions, the answer "Yes" simply acknowledges you've stopped talking and they're ready to try it their own way.

Instructions are tiny pieces of cultural DNA. If you had to leave instructions for somebody else to lead your life instead of you, it would be interesting to see how few points you would need. Before trying, remember that feeding the cat is a six-part instruction.

Work emails are often instructions. Research shows that the likelihood of something happening as instructed recedes with every line of an email. People rarely read beyond 10 lines in an email and adding a PS is the communication equivalent of telling the west wind.

You learn driving from a driving instructor, not a driving teacher and certainly not a driving counsellor. Really important things are commanded, important things are instructed, quite important things are taught and inconsequential things are shared in an involving relevant dialogue. It would be really useful if there were a set of further instructions for each of the Ten Commandments, say, to show you how to follow them. Then again, no one would read them.

How To... Lick

by Guy Browning

The Guardian

The modern tongue is virtually a prisoner in the mouth. That's why sticking out your tongue is very rude but also rather saucy: it's a kind of entry-level flashing. Tongues are extremely sensitive and can determine thousands of different flavours, including the three used in British cooking.

What food, sex and envelopes used to have in common was that they all involved licking. With self-seal envelopes we are now down to just food and sex, which is a shame because licking a letter before you sent it added an interesting sensual angle to your correspondence with the tax authorities. Self-adhesive stamps have added to the precipitous decline in licking. To be fair, they do make sending your Christmas cards easier because in the past licking 80 stamps was an absolute nightmare unless you had a handy labrador or French boyfriend.

One of the main attractions of ice cream is that you can lick it. People who eat ice cream with their teeth and chew it are slightly missing the point. An excellent training aid for licking is the jam doughnut as it's impossible to eat one without licking your lips and fingers afterwards. Some people cheat and lick the sugar off first but then the doughnut ends up looking like a hairless chihuahua.

Licking has very little place socially and the rule is never lick a person you haven't already kissed on the lips. Similarly, never lick somebody in the office unless you are on an advanced team-building course. Licking people reveals the wide range of flavours they come in: there's sweet, salty, cheesy, BBQ and prawn cocktail. Or, if they've had a bath recently, mango, pomegranate, seaweed and strawberry. Licking someone after a bath is the equivalent of one portion of fruit and veg.

Before wet wipes, the tongue acted as a mobile cleaning unit. The tongue would be applied to the hanky and the hanky applied to the mess/baby. Even now, a thorough beauty regime can be carried out using nothing more than finger and tongue. Licking is still very important in love-making but you should use moderation. Attempting to lick someone's entire back, for example, especially if they're a large person, will just make you dehydrated, and make the recipient feel as if you're doing some kind of minor paint job.