Oh Happy Days (to G)

The skies are dark, the weather is ­terrible, your job isn't safe, the economy is in a trough, the planet is heating up, the Tories are about to win an election for the first time in 13 years and we've just put the terrorism alert up a notch to "severe". And if you gave up drinking for January, you've still got five long days to go. Can things get any worse?

The answer, thankfully, is no. This is rock bottom. From here on in things can only get better. In fact, there are signs that battered Britain is already on the mend, if you will only screw up your tired eyes and look for them. Can you see the upside yet? No? Well, look harder! The road to happiness may be partially flooded and in poor repair, but it's still right there in front of you. Let's begin:

1 Official figures released today are expected to show that the recession is finally at an end in Britain. It is estimated that GDP grew by 0.4% in the last quarter of last year, following six consecutive quarters of negative growth. The UK may be the last of the G7 nations to leave the recession ­behind, but better late than never, and let's face it: never was definitely one of the available options.

2 According to a complex and largely nonsensical mathematical equation reckoning with such variables as weather, debt, and seasonal motivational levels, yesterday was officially the most depressing day of the year. From now until Christmas the outlook can only improve.

3 Good news for mice! A pioneering new technology could soon ­allow ­cosmetics to be tested using ­laboratory-grown human skin cells instead of animals.

4 Johnny Depp is alive! Over the weekend, rumours of the actor's ­untimely death spread like wildfire online and started trending on Twitter. Fortunately, the story turned out to be a hoax – he's fine! If you hadn't heard anything about the rumours in the first place then this isn't particularly good news, but at least you didn't waste the weekend faffing around on the internet.

5 Rumours of Brad and Angelina's ­imminent split, however, are so rife that Paddy Power has put the odds of a separation at just 4/7. The good news is that the big betting money is on Brad's next partner: 1/2 for his ex, Jennifer ­Aniston, 12/1 on Rihanna, 20/1 on ­Britney Spears and 33/1 on Cheryl Cole.

6 Unemployment has fallen for two successive months, and now stands at 2.46 million, well under predictions of 3 million at the start of the year.

7 Apple's new tablet thingy is being launched tomorrow, and it's not just going to be cool, it's going to save newspapers, books, magazines and the ­music industry. Get your hopes up now!

8 The UK film industry, a perennial source of gloom, is actually doing rather well: 2009 was the second-best production year ever, cinema attendance was at its highest since 2002 and box-office takings topped the £1bn mark for the first time.

9 Two weeks ago the Hayes Hawks BMX bike club of Hayes, Middlesex, had 33 of their bikes stolen, placing the club's future in jeopardy. But police acting on a tip-off have now recovered all but six of the bikes. Nice work, snitches!

10 At first we thought it was going to be a mild winter, meaning councils had thoughtlessly stockpiled way too much grit. Then we had all that snow, and it suddenly looked as if we had far too little grit. Then, as stockpiles dwindled to nothing, the snow stopped, so we ended up stockpiling more or less the right amount of grit. Well guessed, ­professional estimators!

11 Even in this recession, car crime is down 10%, criminal damage is down 8%, and recorded instances of violence against the person fell by 6%. Gun-related murders for the year dropped from 59 to 53. Fraud, forgery, drug ­offences, burglary and knife crime are all up, but that is not the bright side, so let's not look at it just now.

12 Britain's coldest January in 37 years is just coming to a close. It has been a tricky month for travel, but the cold snap should see a big reduction in ­garden pests and fungal plant diseases in the coming year.

13 Vampire Weekend's second ­album has topped the Billboard ­album chart, pushing Susan Boyle into second place. At first glance this may look like a mildly dispiriting story about a New York band beating a ­British singer in the US charts, but wait . . . Vampire Weekend are on a British label! Well done, XL!

14 The days are getting longer. Some parts of the country may not have experienced anything ­resembling "daylight" since new year, but that can't last for ever. Eventually, you will see the sun.

15 On Saturday, shop worker Wismond Exantus was pulled alive from the ­rubble in Port-au-Prince, 11 days after the devastating earthquake struck and several hours after the ­Haitian government had declared the rescue operation over. And he managed to drink an entire bottle of whisky while trapped.

16 Mad Men is back! Series 3 of the pitch-perfect Madison Avenue drama starts tomorrow. Even if you don't like Mad Men, this news is bound to cheer up someone you know, and that can only make your life easier.

17 Tony Blair is going to give ­evidence to the Chilcot ­inquiry. On Friday, history will take a ­preliminary view of Blair's dubious ­legacy when he faces awkward ­questions about the legality, timing and ­wisdom of the Iraq war. If nothing else, it should prove the most dramatic daytime television viewing of the month.

18 The Winter Olympics are coming! People always say they don't like the Winter Olympics, but unlike the 2012 games, these Olympics are not going to be our problem, and therefore it doesn't matter how good or bad they are. We can just relax and watch the skating.

19 Lena Bryce of Glasgow had just given birth to the UK's first "iPhone" baby, conceived – after three years of trying – with the help of an iPhone fertility app that keeps track of ovulation times. Hooray!

20 If the Equality and Human Rights Commission gets its way, mandatory retirement at 65 will be abolished and we'll all be able to work until we're incredibly old. To be honest, we'll ­probably have to work until we're incredibly old, but at least we won't have to worry about all that red tape.

21 England didn't lose the cricket. OK, so they nearly lost. You could even argue they deserved to lose, but it doesn't matter because they didn't in the end.

22 A 76-year-old Polish beekeeper, Jozef Guzy, collapsed while working, stopped breathing, went cold and was pronounced dead by a doctor, but just as they were sealing him in his coffin someone noticed he had a pulse. He was then rushed to hospital where ­doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him. Obviously, there's something terribly wrong with him, but it's still a nice story.

23 A 2007 report by the International Panel on Climate Change suggesting that the Himalayan glaciers would disappear by 2035 turns out to be wrong. A lot of cynics have pounced on this admittedly pretty serious mistake and the impact it will have on the credibility of climate-change science, but they are missing the Bigger Plus. The Himalayan glaciers, while ultimately doomed, probably won't disappear for 300 years or so. Phew!

24 The famous Separated Swans of Slimbridge, Sarindi and Saruni, got divorced after only two years together, something that has only happened once before in 40 years in this part of Gloucestershire. It was a sad tale, until now: both swans have returned to Slimbridge for the winter – with a new partner apiece in tow! It just goes to show that it can all work as long as you're prepared to be modern about these things.

25 England are going to win the 2010 World Cup, absolutely guaranteed – it's in the bag, mate. Start celebrating now if you like. (For Scottish edition: don't worry – England is never going to win the World Cup.)