OBL - The Diaries

14 August 2009

Watched TV for a few hours to see if there were any stories about me. Nothing today. I did see that temptress Sarah Palin on CNN though, practically naked as usual – wrists showing, ankles, hair, everything. Oddly enough, she was talking about death panels. I have always advocated them as a quick and efficient way to punish people for stealing fruit or shaving, but she seemed very dismissive of the idea. At one point she actually said "Obama's death panels" instead of "Osama's death panels", but the interviewer didn't pick her up on the mistake. Stupid woman.

11 September 2009

Fired into the air a few times, but everybody said it was a bad idea. "Too much noise, Osama. You'll draw attention to our hiding place." Cowards, all of them. Not really in a holiday mood, anyway. Nobody celebrates it round here.

19 January 2010

Spent the morning planning new attacks on major American population centres. You have to keep yourself busy in a place like this, otherwise you'll go mad. We need to stage more mass killings – lots of small killings will do nothing to change US policy. They have small killings almost every day there – I doubt they would even notice. Also, I'm big on trains these days. And attacking on dates sacred to Americans: 4 July, Madonna's birthday, the Vanity Fair Oscar party, Lindsay Lohan court appearance, etc. To paraphrase those fat cooks from the BBC, it's time to take killing to the next level.

When I was finished I called everyone into the safe room to tell them my new plan to defeat the infidels: we are going to attack the public transport network of Los Angeles, bringing this modern-day Sodom to its knees. Someone laughed and said, "good luck with that". Then I said, "Jihad does NOT get tougher than this!" and we all laughed. It's good to feel at the centre of things again.

26 April 2010

Saw myself on TV, in an old clip from who knows when, exhorting followers to exterminate western imperialists. So young! What happened to that dashing, smoky-eyed, full-lipped fellow? He is sat here hunched in a shawl, eating seeds and watching Larry King. Sigh.

5 June 2010

Very hot. Spent afternoon in the courtyard, reading and thinking. It is lonely here, but also very peaceful. At times like these, war and death and western imperialism seem a world away from this little seat under the olive tree. If next door's ball comes over that wall one more time today I'm going to put a bullet in it before I throw it back.

15 August 2010

Courier came today: secret messages from al-Qaida, more AA batteries for the remote, copy of Newsweek, Ikea catalogue (they send me two, every time, even though I have never ordered anything) and a pirate DVD of Finding Nemo. Watched it, laughed a lot, condemned it afterwards.

Tonight is book-club night, and everyone in the compound is angry with me because I have picked the Qur'an again. They all say they have read it before. I say, but have you memorised it? They say, you always hijack the discussion! This is true, I suppose. Abu says it is his turn to pick. No way, I tell him. Never again, not after Angela's Ashes.

3 November 2010

Can't tell whether to be pleased by US election results. Their system is so complicated! Two houses of legislature, president, cabinet, judiciary – as far as I'm concerned it all adds up to one great big Satan. I guess the Republican win is bad for healthcare reform, and therefore good (more Americans dead, no extra work for us) but I'm finding it hard to feel pleased.

22 November 2010

Very tired today. Stayed up late last night with friends arguing about whether or not dishwashers were blasphemous. And you can't just say "yes" and be done with it. Everyone wants reasons. In the end I told them that, God willing, we should concentrate our efforts on eliminating bigger evils – America, Israel, music – and leave smaller doctrinal questions about household appliances to one side for now. Hassan says some of the new ones use less water than the old, non-blasphemous way of washing-up, but of course this is not the point.

Later, probably because I was tired, I had an accident with the beard dye. First, I used the Delicate Iced Chocolate instead of the Sensual Black, then I forgot to put on the gloves, then I left the stuff on way too long. I cannot make a video looking like this. It will have to wait.

8 March 2011

OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ARSENAL!!! 3-1 WHAT ARE THEY LIKE!!!!

30 April 2011

Something weird going on in the neighbourhood. Can't put my finger on it, but there are some extra antennas on the roof over the road, and that white van on the corner has been there for, like, four days. I got so worried I called ISI, but they said I was just being paranoid.

by Tim Dowling